Come on ...

Did anyone else catch all the feminist broo ha ha over on the Huffington Post? Essentially, several people (including the author herself), are up in arms over Lori Gottlieb's article in the new issue of Atlantic . In her piece, Gottlieb suggests that women in their 30s might want to accept that there are fewer options (fewer still as you age) and that some people might want to look into the possibility of creating a marriage based on partnership and cooperation - because love and passion fade over time. Peaceful unions in which to raise your children may be the easiest alternative. Respondents remarked that Gottlieb's stance was out dated and insulting. I'm not siding with either.

Here's a different thought - why not accept that everyone is writing from their own perspective. And here's a third. Some people marry for love and enjoy happy, passionate childless unions. We're not bad or selfish people. Like you, we've chosen our own lifestyle.

In the same vein, Rabbi Shmuley penned a lovely piece on female clothing, chastity and modesty. Dear Rabbi, let's agree to agree and disagree. I agree that clothing for girls under the age of 14 should be modest, cute and comfortable. I also think that teenage girls should have more freedom to dress as they please; and finally, young women (females over the age of 18) should be able to dress however they like. Oh, and however you like, means just that. And Rabbi, I don't think it's appropriate for a male to tell women outside of those who seek his counsel, how to dress.

I Promise to Never

Esquire recently ran an article detailing all of the things that dudes should never do in front of their girlfriends. While I wasn't bothered by any of the things on the list, I was inspired by Jezebel's follow up piece entitled "the one thing besides take a dump you should never do in front of dudes".

Without further ado, here is my List of Activities Best Kept Private, subtitled: Why I Have a Happy Marriage.

1. Anything related to Aunt Flo. Purchasing tampons together is fine, inserting and removing them, not so much.
2. Watching soap operas and Lifetime movies. Give the man a break, it's good enough that he sits and listens to me talk about them for hours on end.
3. Eyebrow plucking/facial grooming. Nothing inherently wrong here, I just like a little private time.
4. Closet Cleaning - It's not like he's really going to tell you whether or not your favorite shirt is too small, stained or unflattering.
5. Flossing.
6. Nail clipping/filing.
7. Most things involving a Q-tip.
8. Voting.

Penises are the New Black

Apparently, vaginas are the new black. Who knew? I would be happier about this article if it didn't seem, well, more then a little condescending.

I don't see why this is offensive.


Maybe I'm a bad feminist, but I think it's cute. I really didn't notice that her vagina was "at the center of the bullseye" - which, I guess, implies that people will target her vagina and that this - somehow - is objectifying and/or implies the commodification of her genitals. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE - get a grip. Women have vaginas and when they lay spread eagle you can see them. I think the real travesty here, and the truly offensive part, is that we are so bothered by the sight of a vagina that we have to write these types of articles. Can you site a single article titled - Penis are the New Black? or Penis Savvy Ad Campaigns are Degrading to Men? Let's face reality, until we stop obsessing about vaginas - or start equally obsessing about penises - we are hurting the cause for equality.

So let's all take a moment and reflect on a few realities. Vaginas are funny. Penises are funny. Penises and vaginas together, hilarious. It's all sensational, we get it so - To my fellow feminists, I beg of you, let's be done with this. Yes, I think it's total crap that cunt is one of the FCC's seven FORBIDDEN words, but I also think it sucks that some people think the term va-jay-jay is empowering (damn you Oprah). I like vaginas, and I bet you like them too. So let's celebrate the popularity of vaginas and instead of being offended by their pop culture prominence, take this as an opportunity to promote and discuss sexual health and gender equality. You catch more bees with honey - and honey, trust me, vaginas are here to stay.

Wii Love you, Wii Really Really Do

Last night I cleared the DVR in preparation for Vagtastic Valentine's Movies. In the mood for a Barbara Michaels adaptation? Enjoy watching brides gone wild? Need to relieve the angst of your first teen crush? This is so the weekend for you. Yeah, weird digital cable package! I am taping My Boyfriend is Back, Masterpiece Theatre's Pride and Prejudice and How I Married My High School Crush. I would watch another one, but Just One of the Guys is free on our DVR this month so I really must prioritize.

I heart Geeks.


And apparently, some geeks heart vag.


(It makes a V. That's the joke.)

Happy last day of my work week. I'm out for valentine's day mini-break holiday. I will be eating chocolate, watching television, making valentines and playing with my new hot pink phone.

It's almost Valentine's Day

Happy President Lincoln's day!

Review: J.D. Warren. Bedlam, Bath and Beyond.
This book succeeds as a richly detailed and spunky paranormal type romance. She employs a novel construct and brings her mythical people and hot, immortal lover cleverly to life. The female lead is fun and assertive; the male lead is dark and brooding. Naughty level: 4. One and a half steamy sex scenes, but nicely grabby.

Bedlam is reminiscent of Elsewhere. An excellent alternative YA dystopia. You can read more about Elsewhere then you ever wanted to know here. Or you could just read it. It's an ALA notable children's book.

We went to see Fool's Gold over the weekend, aka the number one movie in America. Don't let the internet sway you; it's a perfectly fine romantic comedy. Here's the set-up: hot people, ship, treasure. Treasure! It's not the Coen brothers, but it is enjoyable, warm and fun. Plus it takes place in Key West, Florida and includes a very nice boat. Mathew McConaughey shirt count: two dry, one wet. Kate Hudson Goldie Hawn moment count: about 100.

Oh Logan. Oh!

Thursday on General Hospital (GH), Logan acted like a totally possessive douche bag with LuLu. He pushed her too far forcing her to run to Johnny. Sorry Logan, apparently you are a moron. Don't you know that soap opera girls only like boys who are brooding and sexy. Johnny is now "meant" for LuLu. After months of waiting (literally months) we will finally get to see some sort of exciting couple's climax. Sweet. Go Johnny go! At minimum, LuLu and Johnny need to start kissing more. I mean seriously - look at her, she is way cute. Kissing is hot.

Kiss. Kiss!


My super secret crush on Veronica Mars continues. I am now adding Logan to my list of favorite dreamy characters. Logan and Veronica together, nice. Kristin Bell does a great Clint Eastwood impersonation, and she's hot. What more could a boy want? I am a moron for not watching this show while it was on.

Go Logan. Go!

Planned Community

When in my twenties is too early to want to live in a planned community? I think Palm Beach and Key West look dreamy. I want shared grounds, beach and nice walking trails. I do not want smelly, shared togetherness.

Obsession of the moment: online soap opera fan communities. People write all day long; post videos and images; and create special spoiler and fan message boards. It's all very humorous until you are trapped in a crush with a new character on your soap opera. Suddenly, you are on the site - sometimes for hours. It is embarrassing but you don't care.

Because Johnny is so dreamy and you love LuLu too. Even if she is stupid for falling in love with a mobster. Lulu loves Johnny, but Johnny is pushing LuLu away. Logan is also in love with LuLu, but he is mean and stupid. Johnny doesn't trust Logan. He will soon save LuLu from an overly aggressive Logan by kicking his butt!

Very Nice.



Oh, Yeah.

I Heart Valentines

My hubby was sick last night, poor hubby. To pass the time, I made Valentines:



I also finished Sophia Kinsella's Undomestic Goddess. It was a little uncomfortable but ultimately sweet. Young hardworking girl learns life lesson and falls in love. Naughty Level: 3, primarily off stage.

Katie MacAlister's Sex, Lies and Vampires was disappointing. I shouldn't have read it immediately following the Aisling Grey novels (love, love, love). It was pretty funny. Sexy vampire included. Naughty Level: 5-6.

Super Tuesday

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday. It would be super if you voted. I would tell you who I'm voting for, but it's none of your business.

My husband and I don't tell each other who we vote for, sometimes this bothers me, but most the time I think it's a good thing. Voting, like going to the bathroom, should be a private matter.

Hallmark Hall of Fame

Romance Review: T.V. Movie, Hallmark

New Hallmark Romance: The Good Witch

Imagine if some producer really liked witches, but only good witches. So they watched Practical Magic and The Crucible, and then they read Bell, Book and Candle and Hansel and Gretel. Then they combined them together to make a watered downed romance staring a witch who, no matter what, is good. Throw in a widowed cop, two young and troubled kids, small town America, and a witch hunt and that about sums it up. In short, not great but definitely to formula. I only fast forwarded through about 45 minutes.

Oh, and the leader character's name is Cassandra Nightingale.

She's a good witch. See.

Trapped in a Closet

Romance/Hip Hop Opera Review:

R. Kelly's Trapped in a Closet: Chapters 1-22 is one of the most hilariously perfect melodramatic pieces of performance ever. I'm just going to assume that this was intentional. If you haven't seen it, you are lame and should probably just go ahead and see it. Allow me to outline the opening sequences:

Sylvester - married to Veronica, being with his wifes's best friend, is trapped in a closet when his wife's best friend's husband arrives home. He is a preacher.

The preacher man walks in and eventually discovers Sylvester, everyone goes crazy, Sylvester pulls out his gun, nervous tension, they all decide no one is going to get shot, the preacher calls his boyfriend - because he's not the only one who's going to get his heart broken today. The boyfriend enters, things get crazier. Sylvester decides to call his wife. A dude answers the phone. Sylvester loses it and jumps in his car. He's speeding home and gets pulled over.

He gets home. His wife is in the shower. He's suspicious, but he decides to be with her. They are together. They do it for awhile, things are getting good but wait what is this? It's something on Sylvester's bed. Where did it come from? He goes crazy again.

They're yelling. The cop who gave Sylvester the speeding ticket runs in. It gets real again. See Sylvester's wife followed him to the club, saw him leave with some girl(her best friend was wearing a wig, so she did not recognize her), she got angry and decided to take the cop (who just happened to be there) home. Everyone is yelling, guns are pulled, the wife's brother (Twan) walks in and gets shot. Everyone freaks, but wait - Twan is fine, he's tough and it was just a flesh wound. Twan just got out of prison and he doesn't want to call the cops.

Things get progressively worse and better from here.

Hugger Monkeys

Last week my husband brought home two adorable stuffed monkeys. One is pink, the other is red and they have their arms wrapped around each other. I named them hugger monkeys. Little did he know that this act of kindness would bring about his demise. Here is a verbatim transcript of last night's conversation.

me: Oh no! Someone killed pink monkey
him: What?
me: She has a hole in her throat
him: I can fix it
me: No you can't, she had her throat slit, no one lives thru that
him: I'll sew it shut
me: You can't sew
him: I can sew
me: Then why do I have to sew all of your buttons on
him: Like I want to sew

OHHH! He is so gonna get it ...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

In a recent post, Entertainment Weekly blogger Mandi Bierly asked her readers to confess their most embarrassing entertainment purchases. Things you purchase in secret, hide away, and when and if they are discovered - you create a fanciful lie about - i.e. oh my crazy aunt Betty bought that for my 12th birthday. Well I'm going to do Ms. Bierly one better and detail for you, my friends, the most embarrassing things I own.

1. The special edition, two disc DVD of Scarlett - the 1994 miniseries/sequel to Gone With the Wind starring Joanne Whalley and Timothy Dalton as "Mr Rhett Butler". I have watched this at least 20 times.

2. Four season's of Reba. Yeah there's really no excuse for this one. I am lame.

3. One pair of those super industrial granny panties. I bought them to go under a fancy dress. Unfortunately, during a recent bout of laziness I was forced to wear them to work. I was so ungodly uncomfortable that I walked to the University bookstore and contemplated spending $14.95 on a single pair of cotton undies with the word Illini printed across the ass. In the end, I decided that this was just too much for disposable underwear and toughed it out. I reasoned that all day pain was my punishment for not doing the laundry.

4. The Lifetime movies Fifteen and Pregnant and She's Too Young. Apparently I have a thing for knocked up teens with STDs.

5. About 20 stuffed animals. Yes, I am well past the appropriate age for such a large collection, but I just can't seem to pass up all the super cute stuffed penguinos.

6. Ridiculously expensive face and eye cream. At 27 I shouldn't be spending hundreds of dollars on anti-aging projects, but alas, my vanity wins out.

7. Eight Dave Matthews Band cds. What the hell was I thinking? The violin, the whiny voice, the undercurrent of stinky frat boys. I am truly, truly ashamed of myself. Thankfully my hippie wannabe college days have passed. Unfortunately, I still know all the words to every song.

So now you know. I'll completely understand if we can no longer be friends.

Self Cultivation

I hate the Oprah Winfrey Show, yet I feel compelled to tune in every once in awhile. As contradictory as it may seem, watching Oprah helps me feel connected to women and women's issues. I accept that Oprah Winfrey is an important role model for many people, and I applaud her efforts to help and encourage her fans. But sometimes, she just goes to far. Last week Oprah and guest star, Dr. Christiane Northrup, discussed female masturbation, aka female cultivation

Joan Z. Shore has an amusing blog on this very episode. So I'll merely add my two cents to her excellent summary. What the heck is wrong with these women? I get that this is an uncomfortable topic, but come on. Do you really think that you are encouraging women's self discovery by forcing them to define their personal activities as some sort of self enlightened act of cultivation? Let's get technical, cultivation is defined as the process of fostering the growth of something. So ladies, what are you growing? Let me be sure to to enlighten you - until you learn to call sex sex, vaginas vaginas and masturbation masturbation, you are not sexually aware. Your clever euphemism clearly indicates your inability to come to terms with your sexuality.

So let's drop the pretense. I am all for diagrams and directions. Bring on the videos and photo array. Let's face facts, women who are frightened of this word need to get a grip. Stop it. Seriously. Gross.

Oprah's Va Jay-Jay

27 Queen Size Dresses

What a vagina weekend. No, sillies I'm not talking about my c u next tuesday - I am referring to the insane number of female cliches I engaged in over the past four days. Friday started out with a bang, no work for me - I was suffering from a migraine, which I believe is the modern day equivalent of the vapors.

On Saturday he took me to see 27 Dresses. A solid B+ romantic comedy. Katherine Heigel is adorable, even with her "mousy" brown hair. Dear Hollywood, Katherine Heigel is hot. No matter what. A simple dye job is not going to convince me that she is meek and shy and un-date-able. But whatever, why complain about a movie with boys and kissing and multiple wedding montages.

The rest of vagina fest included: Lifetime's new movie Queen Sized, an aptly named after school special featuring an overweight underdog who - gasp - gets to be - gasp - HOMECOMING QUEEN!!! OMG!!! Two episodes of Dr. Phil, two episodes of Oprah, one vampire romance novel and a home baked cake - complete with pink icing and heart shaped sprinkles.

In other news, today's hilarity brought to you by the word merkin, aka a vagina wig. Could someone please explain to me why vaginas need wigs?