You Look Old

Charla Krupp released her book How Not to Look Old in January, 2008. I remember seeing her on all of the big news shows and being rather ambivalent about the book. As a 28 year old who worries about wrinkles, I thought it best not to judge this seemingly helpful book and let it slip from my mind. But last night at Barnes and Nobles, I picked up this New York Times Best Seller and was totally annoyed.

Dear Ms. Krupp,

You look old. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but the youngest that you look in your cover photo is 48. Don't worry, I'm sure you're not a day over 55. You're trying way too hard.

I feel for your readers and their desire to look young, so I thought that I would save them $26 and summarize the tips that you and a million other fashion experts continue to extol.

1. If you are 24 or older, stop shopping in the juniors section.
2. Buy plain, well fitted dark wash jeans.
3. Update your make-up every year or so - if you're rockin the same look as your high school daughter, you're in trouble.
4. Wear mosturizer, take a vitamin and drink water.
5. Ms. Krupp would like you all to wear high heels, personally I think they suck but whatever, lots of women feel sexy in them - I think cute and comfy shoes like Clark Priva's are just as sexy.
6. Don't wear tea or ankle length skirts.
7. Update you hair-do and jewelery. If your look is more then 5 years old, it's probably too old.
8. Wear Spanx.
9. Buy some cute, funky glasses.

Everybody got it? Great, now you can take that $26 and buy some steamy romances, which I GUARANTEE will make you feel sexier then this book.

P.S. There is nothing wrong with being old. There is nothing sexier then a mature, confident and vibrant older woman. Need proof? Check out uber-hottie Helen Mirren.



Damn she's hot!

Children's News

According to the Huffington Post $10,000 birthday parties are the newest child craze.

Seriously. Perhaps I should not judge because I do not have children, and therefore, don't feel the pressure to please. Regardless, I am insanely bothered by this trend. As we slip further into a recession (California Costcos are rationing rice) - $10,000 birthday parties seem not only ridiculous but simply wrong. Think of all the amazing things that you could do with that amount of money - college, charity, dental work, therapy. My Best. Birthday Party. Ever included a homemade chocolate cake, slip & slide and pizza. Something tells me that your precious little angels would prefer slip & slides over fondue.

In other children's news, looks like Barbie may be on her last leg. Ten years ago this news would have pleased me to no end. Yes, I am one of those feminist who is bothered by Barbie, but Barbie is not being passed over as a result of consciousness raising - she's being ditched for newer and sexier Bratz dolls. At least Barbie has careers. Sexy dolls for 4 year olds fucking suck.

Librarian Superhero

It's finally happened. I am officially the biggest geek you know. Last night I actually dreamt that I was a librarian superhero.

No, I didn't teach people to read or comfort the homeless. I didn't rule the world with my knowledge of the Dewey Decimal system or track down missing fines in the blink of the eye. I lured demons and vampires into the library and beat them into submission with telekinetic book throwing. And I had a kitten assistant who, for some unknown reason, needed to have both her ears covered every time I chucked a book. Not a very helpful assistant given that book chucking seemed to be my only power.

Now, if only I could remember what I was wearing. I'm going to imagine that it was some sort of unitard - cardie - cape combo.

Show Me Your Tats

Happy Spring! Love is definitely in the air this year - which has me thinking, this summer will be our 9th anniversary. As in, we have talked to or seen each other every day for the past nine years. Yeah! It's also our 4th wedding anniversary, and I was thinking it would be cool to do something special for our 10th. So, here are my questions:

1. What color tattoo ink looks good on pale skin? I was thinking navy.

2. Would it be better to get a tattoo on the inner bottom part of your wrist or your inner forearm?

3. Is getting a tattoo of my husband's initials on my arm totally yukky in a Pam and Tommy Lee way? Or only a little yukky but still endearing - i.e. Posh and Becks (db) (jp) (10)!

4. Exactly how much does it hurt - yes, I hate pain. Pain sucks.

5. Do we add (or subtract) douchebag points for font? Obviously, I wouldn't choose helvetica.