Hugger Monkeys

Last week my husband brought home two adorable stuffed monkeys. One is pink, the other is red and they have their arms wrapped around each other. I named them hugger monkeys. Little did he know that this act of kindness would bring about his demise. Here is a verbatim transcript of last night's conversation.

me: Oh no! Someone killed pink monkey
him: What?
me: She has a hole in her throat
him: I can fix it
me: No you can't, she had her throat slit, no one lives thru that
him: I'll sew it shut
me: You can't sew
him: I can sew
me: Then why do I have to sew all of your buttons on
him: Like I want to sew

OHHH! He is so gonna get it ...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

In a recent post, Entertainment Weekly blogger Mandi Bierly asked her readers to confess their most embarrassing entertainment purchases. Things you purchase in secret, hide away, and when and if they are discovered - you create a fanciful lie about - i.e. oh my crazy aunt Betty bought that for my 12th birthday. Well I'm going to do Ms. Bierly one better and detail for you, my friends, the most embarrassing things I own.

1. The special edition, two disc DVD of Scarlett - the 1994 miniseries/sequel to Gone With the Wind starring Joanne Whalley and Timothy Dalton as "Mr Rhett Butler". I have watched this at least 20 times.

2. Four season's of Reba. Yeah there's really no excuse for this one. I am lame.

3. One pair of those super industrial granny panties. I bought them to go under a fancy dress. Unfortunately, during a recent bout of laziness I was forced to wear them to work. I was so ungodly uncomfortable that I walked to the University bookstore and contemplated spending $14.95 on a single pair of cotton undies with the word Illini printed across the ass. In the end, I decided that this was just too much for disposable underwear and toughed it out. I reasoned that all day pain was my punishment for not doing the laundry.

4. The Lifetime movies Fifteen and Pregnant and She's Too Young. Apparently I have a thing for knocked up teens with STDs.

5. About 20 stuffed animals. Yes, I am well past the appropriate age for such a large collection, but I just can't seem to pass up all the super cute stuffed penguinos.

6. Ridiculously expensive face and eye cream. At 27 I shouldn't be spending hundreds of dollars on anti-aging projects, but alas, my vanity wins out.

7. Eight Dave Matthews Band cds. What the hell was I thinking? The violin, the whiny voice, the undercurrent of stinky frat boys. I am truly, truly ashamed of myself. Thankfully my hippie wannabe college days have passed. Unfortunately, I still know all the words to every song.

So now you know. I'll completely understand if we can no longer be friends.

Self Cultivation

I hate the Oprah Winfrey Show, yet I feel compelled to tune in every once in awhile. As contradictory as it may seem, watching Oprah helps me feel connected to women and women's issues. I accept that Oprah Winfrey is an important role model for many people, and I applaud her efforts to help and encourage her fans. But sometimes, she just goes to far. Last week Oprah and guest star, Dr. Christiane Northrup, discussed female masturbation, aka female cultivation

Joan Z. Shore has an amusing blog on this very episode. So I'll merely add my two cents to her excellent summary. What the heck is wrong with these women? I get that this is an uncomfortable topic, but come on. Do you really think that you are encouraging women's self discovery by forcing them to define their personal activities as some sort of self enlightened act of cultivation? Let's get technical, cultivation is defined as the process of fostering the growth of something. So ladies, what are you growing? Let me be sure to to enlighten you - until you learn to call sex sex, vaginas vaginas and masturbation masturbation, you are not sexually aware. Your clever euphemism clearly indicates your inability to come to terms with your sexuality.

So let's drop the pretense. I am all for diagrams and directions. Bring on the videos and photo array. Let's face facts, women who are frightened of this word need to get a grip. Stop it. Seriously. Gross.

Oprah's Va Jay-Jay

27 Queen Size Dresses

What a vagina weekend. No, sillies I'm not talking about my c u next tuesday - I am referring to the insane number of female cliches I engaged in over the past four days. Friday started out with a bang, no work for me - I was suffering from a migraine, which I believe is the modern day equivalent of the vapors.

On Saturday he took me to see 27 Dresses. A solid B+ romantic comedy. Katherine Heigel is adorable, even with her "mousy" brown hair. Dear Hollywood, Katherine Heigel is hot. No matter what. A simple dye job is not going to convince me that she is meek and shy and un-date-able. But whatever, why complain about a movie with boys and kissing and multiple wedding montages.

The rest of vagina fest included: Lifetime's new movie Queen Sized, an aptly named after school special featuring an overweight underdog who - gasp - gets to be - gasp - HOMECOMING QUEEN!!! OMG!!! Two episodes of Dr. Phil, two episodes of Oprah, one vampire romance novel and a home baked cake - complete with pink icing and heart shaped sprinkles.

In other news, today's hilarity brought to you by the word merkin, aka a vagina wig. Could someone please explain to me why vaginas need wigs?

While the Husband's Away

He is away for work, and instead of lying around the house pouting and crying, I have decided to amuse myself with the following:

1. Totino's party pizza - totally disgusting, completely fabulous and something "we" would never eat for dinner.

2. The first two episodes of the new season of the L-word. Total guilty pleasure. On a related note, they've started airing new episodes of Ghost Whisperer. Jennifer Love Hewitt is very nicely endowed?

3. Rereading select passages of the Aisling Grey Guardian paranormal fiction series. I finished it on Friday and love it so much I want to read it again. There's something very sexy about the idea of a mate, and - don't tell anyone this - I secretly love possessive males, especially when they are bodice ripping.

In other news, today is the 50th anniversary of the Smurfs. Does that mean Smurfette's little sister is finally ready to take one for the team?

Her name is Sassette.

I guess that means she's sassy.



Yeah.

Will you be my Alli?

In the fall, Glaxo Smith Kline released their new and revolutionary diet drug Alli. As Stephen Colbert so wisely pointed out, side effects of Alli may include anal leakage and oily discharge. Being the negative Nelly that I so often am, I presumed these side effects would hinder sales of Alli.

How wrong I was. Alli is so popular that they have now released the Alli diet companion cookbook. So please drop me a line if you are enjoying the effects of Alli. I would love to know why. Personally, I am not willing to risk anal leakage (or dripping or exploding - but that is beside the point). I truly want to know if constant fear over fat calories = poopy pants is better then say, just eating fruits and veggies.

When the Devil Knows You're Dead

I'm the first to admit that I'm a Pollyanna. And this movie was the perfect example of why. It is searing and smart and at the end of it you'll feel like pitching yourself off of a building (perhaps only momentarily). Which at times I like, but I would much rather not feel like that.

Lest you think that I bash all things chicklit. Let me say that I am in love with Charlotte York. Love, love, love and want to be Charlotte for the following reasons. She's nice and sweet and believes in love. She wants a fairy tale ending. She tries to be happy and have nice happy things around her.

Happy is better, no?




Oh and I am seriously, ridiculously excited for the new Sex and the City Movie. Seriously. May 30, 2008.

Whatever Happened to Chicklit

I hate to be one of those women who criticizes chicklit BUT I am no longer interested in the following:

Women who work for PR or advertising companies. Blah Blah Blah. I get it.

Women who live in New York or London, and feel that there is no better and simultaneously worse city to live in then New York or London.

Women who are confused about money and men, to the extreme of spending all their money on shoes, make-up and other branded items. I don't care about your Jimmy Choos. Now, a nice pair of boots - that I can get behind.

That said I still enjoy most things by Marian Keyes.

Check out her bookshelf.

P.S. I hate that Jennifer Weiner writes about her new book, a sequel to Good in Bed, that Connie is now SEVEN POUNDS SLIMMER. Bite me.

Sweet Valley High

Because I am weird, I decided to watch the first four episodes of Sweet Valley High, the tv show. Made in 1994. I was so cool when this came out, I had advanced to Sweet Valley University. Basically, it sucks.

In light of the writers' strike, we have decided to explore the world of unwatched tv. To that end, I now totally have a crush on Veronica Mars. She's spiffy and Nancy Drewish but with vests and puffy collars.

She's hot.



Like very, very hot.

Spanking Shakespeare

Spanking Shakespeare by Jake Wizner is wonderful and filthy. Wizner perfectly captures that disgusting rupture of emotions that we imagine awkward 17 year old boys having. If you enjoyed Superbad or Accepted, if you know who Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow are, you may enjoy this book. It's melodramatic in a biting and funny way; it drags at points, but you'll still be amused.

In other news, today's hilarity brought to you by the word caucus. Go ahead, try to use it in a sentence, it's hilarious.

Did anyone else notice Chuck Norris at the Huckabee Iowa rally. Only Chuck Norris knows.

Books I can't wait to read

Along the lines of, damn it's cold and I need things to look forward to, I offer the following list of things I am waiting to read. Yeah summer.

Mary Janice Davidson's Undead and Unworthy(July, 2008).

Julie Kenner's next, demon hunting soccer mom book, Deja Demon(July, 2008).


www.juliekenner.com

Author I used to wait for, Jane Green. The Other Woman, Mr. Maybe and Jemima J were all very good. But Swapping Lives and Bookends, not so much. Boo. Hoo.

Meg Cabot

Meg Cabot's blog is incredibly charming. I have read 2-4 of her Princess Diaries books (audio), book one of the Mediator series and Jinx. I am familiar with her chick lit books but haven't read them. The Size Twelve is not Fat series is a fun mystery/chicklit genre blend, with mixed reviews. Her 1-800-Where-R-U? series is interesting in a tween action adventure, suspense way.

She also writes a Viscount type romance series, and the Avalon High series - which are historical romances. I don't know much about her All American Girl series. Her book, Pants on Fire, is a 2007 teen favorite, as picked by TeenReads.com. Pants on fire is really fun to say, btw.

She also has a new tween series coming out, Allie Finkle's Rules for Girls.

I am Legend

We went to see I am Legend. I thought it was really scary, like cover my eyes for 25 minutes scary. The people I was with, not so much. Two things made it not so scary. The monsters (genetically altered humans) all looked like He Who Must Not Be Named.

It also featured the boss lady from SiFi channel's Eureka. Allison Blake is super hot. And it includes absolute rules (i.e. vampires can not go out during the day or they die, no matter what). I enjoy this. I really only enjoy two types of dystopia. Box Car Children, book one (which pretty much counts) and How I Live Now.

Feist

I am also enjoying Feist at the momement; and soap opera compilations on youtube. Especially couple montages like Liason from General Hospital.

Today in pretty pictures.


Seriously cute.


Yeah Canada.

Katie MacAlister

I am in love with Katie MacAlister's Aisling Grey series. It is fun and very similar to Mary Janice Davidson's Undead series. She also writes a vampire series; I've readSex Lies and Vampires.

Her books are also similar to Julie Kenner's Carpe Denmon series.

The Aisling Grey Series includes: Guardians, Dragons (I know but it works), Demons, Demon Lords, Body Guards, Professional Virgins, Incubi, Sucubi, Mages, Wizards, Mentors, Oracles and Diviners. She also writes contemporary romances and I am going to try Men In Kilts.

Check out these online book shelves:
Julie Kenner
Mary Janice Davidson
Katie Macalister


www.katiemacalister.com