Breaking Dawn

Confession - I just finished Breaking Dawn. I was very excited when it first came out, but the negative reviews were so immediate that I decided to hold off until after seeing the movie. I wanted to enjoy the movie with the excitement of someone who loooooves the series.

And, I loved Breaking Dawn! Yes, there are all sorts of issues - teen pregnancy, teen marriage, personal identity/independence and agency being at the forefront. I completely understand why lots of people are concerned - especially in light of shit like this.

But, from a purely romantic view-point, Breaking Dawn is completely swoony. Edward and Bella have perfect, unbreakable, forever love. What girl doesn't want perfect love that lasts forever?

Especially when it looks like this ... Le sigh.

Cover of the Week

Her Private Hell? To have to smash her naked breasts against cold ass glass while glancing away in a semi-erotic manner?


Good girl cover art.

Hot.

Twi-Excited

So I'm twi-excited for the opening of Twilight on Friday. Twons of squealing tweens, tweenagers and teens. I hope that I see the following:

1. Glitter eyeshadow
2. At least two girls applying lip gloss in the theater
3. More then three groups of six or more girls
4. Team Edward T-shirts

In October, girls invaded an Ohio mall and waited for hours for a glimpse of the ever dreamy Edward; and a huge brawl broke out - crazy, mad, wild mean girls.

So in short, my twi-dream is that Twilight will be awesome. Robin Sparkles, HIMYM, Let's go to the Mall awesome.

Period Drama

Does anyone else think more men might like period drama if we didn't call it period drama?

Honey, would you like to watch some period drama sounds about as appealing as - honey, would you enjoy sitting and watching something associated with menstrual cycles and bloody cunts?! Come on.

Tips for suggesting period drama to your man:

1. While fans of the genre know that miniseries (especially BBC miniseries) is its best format - try suggesting something with a run time of less than three hours.

2. Swords and horses are a good thing. Lots of dudes like fantasy and battles; and may, therefore, enjoy a good horse laden period romp.

3. Stick to traditional themes - e.g Arthurian Legend.

My current favorites are BBC Robin Hood and BBC North & South. Swoon and double swoon.

Romance is Hot Hot Hot

Bad News - the economy is in the shitter (and staying there). Good News - romance sales are up. I don't find it too surprising that in times of great turmoil, we go for the comforts of love and sex to feel happy and reassured.

Sites like eHarlequin - For women who Love to Read - provide an incredible amount of free content and an active online community. The varied Harlequin lines (Kimani Press, Silhouette, Mira, etc.) enable readers to quickly define, in a simply and fun way, the type of lover they wish or want to be. Interested in contemporary, christian characters facing the challenges of life and love - then Steeple Hill Inspired is the place for you. Are you a discerning woman looking for erotic stories of desire? Then go "ignite yourself" with the Spice line. Looking for a powerful, magical world you can only imagine - head on over to Luna and connect with your fellow magic lovers.

My favorite books are stand alone paranormals, but when reading series I like to be sparked by passion and fueled by desire - I'm a Silhouette Romantic Suspense gal.

Professionally, I try not to judge others reading habits - but personally, I must admit that the home & family lines creep me out. I'm sure I would find them a fine read, but the covers and titles weird me out:

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


Am I too biased? These are a little creepy, right?

F U in Your Mind Hole

As I continue on my paranormal romance journey - at times carefully navigating the alpha male/forced sexual encounter line - I've discovered the appeal of a certain trope of paranormal loving. Often the alpha male is so big (literally his giant penis is so big) or so scary or so strong that the heroine is afraid or timid and in order to woo her he must first come to her in her dreams, a.k.a f her in her mind hole. These dream encounters are so lovely and sensual that the heroine no longer fears his giant man (cock) and soon welcomes him in to her bed.

Oh baby you're so dreamy please do me in my dreams ...

Oh no, I could never say yes to you, unless you do me in my dreams ....

These fantasies skirt the line of rape (he's immortal and therefore willfully controlling her dream), but they also open the door for the heroine to release her inhibitions and give in to her desires - they find a way to appeal to the desire for capture, rescue, protection fantasies while simultaneously appealing to the desire for strong, sexy heroines. Is this trope troubling? Perhaps, depending on how it's written - but it can also be incredibly hot.

Bind and Serve

Did anyone else know there is a sub-genre of romance labeled "Capture and Bondage"? I particularly like this cover/title combo as it implies things that are neither quick nor easy.



And this week's cover of the week goes to Outlook Orgasmic. Bonus points for lewd use of childhood games. If only they could have covered his magic balls with the magic eight ball. Ahh to dream.



Read an excerpt here.

To Slut or Not To Slut

My least favorite bitches (the ladies of The View) had a mildly interesting debate on sluts today. What these ladies, and everyone else who's been obsessed with the topic lately, tend to be gleaning over is that slut remains one of the most gender biased terms in our lexicon - so whether you are pro-sex (yeah!) or anti-sex (boo!), let's start by acknowledging that the dictionary definition of slut remains:

1. a person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous
2. a dirty, slovenly woman
3. an immoral or dissolute woman, a prostitute

While some may view sexual shaming as progress, and be excited by the idea that both boys and girls are currently being labeled as sluts - I simply see it as a disturbing progression of self and sexual loathing. I don't think we can ever divorce slut and gender bias. So while we may be evening the playing field, we are still implying boat loads of negativity on what should be seen as a natural and healthy progression.

Sex is good and fun and healthy and a natural part of life - and regardless of your personal views - can't we all just agree that it's never good to make young people feel bad about themselves and their bodies. Yes, I know some people think shame is a useful tool - but really, those people just suck.

Duck and Cover

While I've spent most of the past three days wishing I was at RWA (aka Romance Writers of America conference). I could not pass up this awesome new addition to romance. Move over puppies and dragons, it's DUCK TIME!

Changeling press has released the following e-short featuring "duck love". My only question is - where do we go from here? Of all the animal fetishes, I thought ducks would be pretty low on the totem pole.



"With her favorite dirty ditty playing through her mind, Mia’s shocked to see that her fine feathered friend has turned into a hard-bodied hunk worth quacking over. What the hell is she supposed to do now?" - read an excerpt here.

P.S. Am I the only one who, upon seeing the cover, immediately started singing the Ducktales theme?

Originally posted on the always awesome Smart Bitches/Trashy Books.

I'm not quite sure what to think here

Is she some sort of sexy human/dog cross breed? Why does she only have a tail? Is dog sex hot now?

Best use of bunny costume

Another contender for the Best. Cover. Ever.



Possible explanations for the bunny ears:
1. She's waaaay in to Easter
2. She has a hard-on for hare
3. He asked if they could do it like bunnies. She agreed, but had something else in mind.
4. Playboy Bunny 2.0
5. She's wadding in to furry waters

Heaven

Filling, pumping, fueling

Rumor has it someone is remaking I Dream of Jeannie. Fifties t.v. adaptations never really work on the big screen (Bewitched, The Beverly Hillbillies), so the question of the day is - is there an actor who could save this movie? I'm voting Hayden Panettiere. Yes she's a little young, but she's very attractive and can pull off doe-eyed with out looking dumb.

I've been reading J.R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood series and while I absolutely love it - I must poke fun. I recently ran across some rather excellent romance phrasing. As the main characters' lovemaking progressed, he began - "pumping her, filling her ..." and __________ (you fill in the blank). All that came to my mind was fueling her?! Apparently reading newspapers can have an affect on your romance novel habit. I must now stave off the image of a dark, sticky vampire pumping her, filling her, fueling her ...

J. R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood

www.jrward.com

In Defense of Denise Richards

I watched less then 5 minutes of Denise Richard's new E! reality show this weekend and it has me thinking - Denise Richards has been lambasted by the media for supposedly commenting that she is doing a reality show because she needs 'money'. Pundits have rightly pointed out that Ms. Richards has millions and doesn't need to do 'anything' for the money.

What if Denise Richard's is doing her E! show because she feels the need to work? Yes, she may have a large amount of money now, but fortunes change. To her credit, Starship Troopers was a minor cult hit and Drop Dead Gorgeous was one of the funniest movies of the 1990s; and she was a Bond girl. Perhaps, she merely has a work ethic and thinks that this is the best opportunity available to her. How many men with generous bank accounts would be told to stop working in their 30s because they have enough money to be taken care of? Maybe she simply has no intention of leaving the work force.

Lulu + Johnny

Update - for those of you not living in soap opera world this is a big week - my couple, Johny and Lulu, is finally getting it on. Hooray!

Personally, I think that people who love each other should make out as much as possible; but that's just me.



In chick news, I totally have a crush on Keira Knightely. I thought she was pretty hot in Domino, and I liked her in Bend it Like Beckham and Pirates (to be fair, I was pretty much focused on Orlando Bloom) - but King Arthur has totally won me over. I'm going to watch Pride and Prejudice and Silk and get back to you. Go team Knightely.

Three Day Movie Extravaganza

Saturday AM - Sunday AM: The Lost Room. Peter Krause struggles to save his daughter from a freaky parallel universe, magical objects and the horror of metaphysics. Really good actually. Yeah Sci-Fi Channel.

Saturday: Indiana Jones - action, adventure, treasure. Treasure!

Sunday AM: King Arthur. So good! Basically asks you to imagine that Guinevere was not a whore. She did not get it on with Lancelot. She was actually Merlin's daughter and a hottie warrior. Guinevere loved Arthur and Arthur loved Guinevere. G + A 4 Ever. ahhh.

Sunday: Speed Hand Kumar (aka Harold and Kumar). Obviously, this should have been the movie title. Here's the deal - ladies, if you're looking to score some points you should suggest going to see Speed Hand. Pretty funny with lots of cultivation, weed and vagina humor - wear a nice bra in case you get too bored.

Monday: Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. Dreamy Italian teen and confident English moppets save a magical kingdom from terror and demise. Sequels to follow.

Puh-lease

So, I am a self proclaimed naughty librarian. I would even go so far as to say that my husband thinks I'm a sexy librarian. But I would never, never attempt to shelve books in 4 inch heels. Come the fuck on - we librarians are known for many things, and sensible footwear and cardigans are definitely at the the top of that list.

Read at your own peril.


(www.candacehavens.com)

Here's the tag line - "librarian who sees dead people" - uh huh, not yet sold on how craptastic this book will be? Allow me to continue, "Kira Smythe never thought she'd end up back in her hometown of Sweet, Texas. But now that her high-powered job, along with her five-year plan, have gone right out the window, she's back where she started, staying with her hippie, tofu-obsessed parents-except that somehow she's inherited the local library." - question, how exactly do you inherit a public institution? and BTW librarians are professionals with graduate degrees, it's not some crap job you take because your five year plan falls through, but I digress ...

I tried reading Candace Haven's earlier book Charmed and Dangerous - and frankly, it's about the worst piece of crap ever. I was stuck with this book on my lunch hour and it was so bad, that I opted to stare at the wall instead of keep reading. And Candace, listing that you are a former entertainment columnist is not the best way to win me over - I am so not impressed.

Cirque Du Freak

How did I miss this?



The movie version of Cirque Du Freak is coming out this year and the cast is amazing. Salma Hayek and John C. Reilley!

I love these books, they're short and devilish and totally tween scary.

Best Album Cover Ever

This makes me extremely happy.



Now if we could only see a pic of ManOwar in a TugOwar. What can I say, I dream big.

Vampires

I can't help myself. I have finally been hit by Twilight fever. Damn this looks good.

In other vamp news, I'm slowly working my way through Colleen Gleason's Gardella Vampire Chronicles. Fun, historical, cheeky and a little less naughty then I'd like - hottie Jane Austen-esque bad ass female vampire hunter included. I love them so much that I'm even dreaming about them. Last night I hunted demons and chopped off their heads with my super sweet samurai sword. Oh yeah, I kicked ass.


www.colleengleason.com

You Look Old

Charla Krupp released her book How Not to Look Old in January, 2008. I remember seeing her on all of the big news shows and being rather ambivalent about the book. As a 28 year old who worries about wrinkles, I thought it best not to judge this seemingly helpful book and let it slip from my mind. But last night at Barnes and Nobles, I picked up this New York Times Best Seller and was totally annoyed.

Dear Ms. Krupp,

You look old. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but the youngest that you look in your cover photo is 48. Don't worry, I'm sure you're not a day over 55. You're trying way too hard.

I feel for your readers and their desire to look young, so I thought that I would save them $26 and summarize the tips that you and a million other fashion experts continue to extol.

1. If you are 24 or older, stop shopping in the juniors section.
2. Buy plain, well fitted dark wash jeans.
3. Update your make-up every year or so - if you're rockin the same look as your high school daughter, you're in trouble.
4. Wear mosturizer, take a vitamin and drink water.
5. Ms. Krupp would like you all to wear high heels, personally I think they suck but whatever, lots of women feel sexy in them - I think cute and comfy shoes like Clark Priva's are just as sexy.
6. Don't wear tea or ankle length skirts.
7. Update you hair-do and jewelery. If your look is more then 5 years old, it's probably too old.
8. Wear Spanx.
9. Buy some cute, funky glasses.

Everybody got it? Great, now you can take that $26 and buy some steamy romances, which I GUARANTEE will make you feel sexier then this book.

P.S. There is nothing wrong with being old. There is nothing sexier then a mature, confident and vibrant older woman. Need proof? Check out uber-hottie Helen Mirren.



Damn she's hot!

Children's News

According to the Huffington Post $10,000 birthday parties are the newest child craze.

Seriously. Perhaps I should not judge because I do not have children, and therefore, don't feel the pressure to please. Regardless, I am insanely bothered by this trend. As we slip further into a recession (California Costcos are rationing rice) - $10,000 birthday parties seem not only ridiculous but simply wrong. Think of all the amazing things that you could do with that amount of money - college, charity, dental work, therapy. My Best. Birthday Party. Ever included a homemade chocolate cake, slip & slide and pizza. Something tells me that your precious little angels would prefer slip & slides over fondue.

In other children's news, looks like Barbie may be on her last leg. Ten years ago this news would have pleased me to no end. Yes, I am one of those feminist who is bothered by Barbie, but Barbie is not being passed over as a result of consciousness raising - she's being ditched for newer and sexier Bratz dolls. At least Barbie has careers. Sexy dolls for 4 year olds fucking suck.

Librarian Superhero

It's finally happened. I am officially the biggest geek you know. Last night I actually dreamt that I was a librarian superhero.

No, I didn't teach people to read or comfort the homeless. I didn't rule the world with my knowledge of the Dewey Decimal system or track down missing fines in the blink of the eye. I lured demons and vampires into the library and beat them into submission with telekinetic book throwing. And I had a kitten assistant who, for some unknown reason, needed to have both her ears covered every time I chucked a book. Not a very helpful assistant given that book chucking seemed to be my only power.

Now, if only I could remember what I was wearing. I'm going to imagine that it was some sort of unitard - cardie - cape combo.

Show Me Your Tats

Happy Spring! Love is definitely in the air this year - which has me thinking, this summer will be our 9th anniversary. As in, we have talked to or seen each other every day for the past nine years. Yeah! It's also our 4th wedding anniversary, and I was thinking it would be cool to do something special for our 10th. So, here are my questions:

1. What color tattoo ink looks good on pale skin? I was thinking navy.

2. Would it be better to get a tattoo on the inner bottom part of your wrist or your inner forearm?

3. Is getting a tattoo of my husband's initials on my arm totally yukky in a Pam and Tommy Lee way? Or only a little yukky but still endearing - i.e. Posh and Becks (db) (jp) (10)!

4. Exactly how much does it hurt - yes, I hate pain. Pain sucks.

5. Do we add (or subtract) douchebag points for font? Obviously, I wouldn't choose helvetica.

Sweet Valley 2.0

Random House is re-releasing Francine Pascal's Sweet Valley High series. Which has me thinking - that there may be some truth to those Sweet Valley Heights rumors. The new Sweet Valley High covers are pretty cute, in an OC, Gossip Girls cutesy way.

If you're craving some Sweet Valley love (chick lit style) check out Sophia Kinsella's Can You Keep a Secret or Undomestic Goddess.

News Briefs

Jenna Jameson has a new romance fiction line. I'm assuming that it's erotica, but I could be wrong.

A teenage cheerleader in Palm Beach, Florida has died from complications related to her breast implants.

You can now play Miss Bimbo dress up dolls at MissBimbo.com. It's like Stardolls, but more offensive. You can buy boob jobs. Why wouldn't you just make your virtual boobs as big as you want?

Millions of people freaked out yesterday when the Netflix server crashed. Netflix had everything back up and running within 24 hours. Movies were delayed one day, get over it.

Why Mariah Carey is a Genius

Imagine that you are a 35 year old female singer (because mathematically that is what you are). Then imagine that you are hot and want to make a video where you wear a sexy school girl outfit, knee high socks and a glitter mini-dress. The only way to really do this and not look stupid is to make the scene plausible in some way. So you hire the adorable-ish but ultimately ugly geek from 30 rock, and you make the video your geek tech boy clerk's fantasy daydream. You get to wear all of your ridiculous outfits and not look gross - and that's the genius of Mariah Carey.

In women's magazine news, according to Redbook, married couples who have trouble communicating have trouble having satisfying sex. This is bad. Apparently some couples had more sex when they did such helpful things as talk to each other, know where each other was and what they were interested in. Also, best not to get fat and/or gross. Thanks for the fucking update.

And in other news - all cabinet colors now have food names. Would you like: toffee, mocha creme or toasted marshmallow?

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Happy birthday Mr. Rogers! Organizers in Philadelphia have declared today Sweater Day.



Speaking of clothes, apparently I'm on the bad feminist list again. Feministing and others have come out against Spanx. They argue that these seemingly innocuous products perpetuate female stereotypes and force women in to trying to achieve the perfect body (via spandex). Here's my two cents - I love and wear spanx bras and camis every day. I do not wear them because I think that I am fat or gross or to mold myself into an idealized female form. I wear them because I have constant back and bra pain - and spanx makes that pain go away. So basically, I disagree.

And in incest news - hubby and I recently watched The Other Boleyn Girl. Which I loved, more for the costumes and scenery then the plot - but that is beside the point. As the movie comes to a close, Anne, who has recently miscarried the King's baby, begs her brother to sleep with and hopefully impregnate her (which could ultimately save her life). As the scene played out, there were audible gasps of disgust from the audience. I didn't think much about it - other then the obligatory yuk of course - until this weekend when we watched an episode of Picket Fences. As the episode drew to a close, we discovered a prominent business man in bed with two hookers - who just happen to be sisters. While the townspeople are disgusted that the women are prostitutes, no one mentions incest. This leads me to the question of the day:

Why is some dude paying to diddle two sisters less offensive and disgusting then a brother sleeping with/and or impregnating his sister to save her life?



And because it's hot is not a valid answer. They're hot is also unacceptable.

Barack Obama

I believe that voting is a private issue. I do not ask people who they vote for, and I try not push my views onto others. I have hesitated to blog about my candidate, but I think that the time has come to speak out and say that I support Barack Obama. I voted for Barack Obama. I believe that Barack Obama has the vision, intelligence and experience to become the next Commander in Chief.

Like many others, I was deeply moved by Obama's recent speech on race in America. Obama's words ring true in a way that no other politician's have. I believe Barack Obama - and I believe in him. For the first time in my life I am able to vote for a politician that I believe in, and that is both amazing and sad.

As a feminist, I understand the impulse to vote for Hilary. Having a female president is an important step in U.S. history. I know that we will someday have a female president. However, I refuse to vote for someone that I do not believe in because she is biologically female. I believe that Obama is a feminist, and I believe that he is the best feminist candidate.

Race and gender do matter. We can not forget the struggles of our past and present in forging hope for our future. I am a product of my ancestry, and I have faced obstacles because of my gender. I am a privileged white woman who does her best to support all Americans. I have done and said things that I am not proud of - I have made mistakes and I take ownership of those mistakes because I am certain that the only way to move forward is through hard and honest work. I am determined to strive for a new and better United States. I believe in change, and I have hope for this country.



I hesitated to write this post because it really does stray from the message and purpose of this blog. I sincerely doubt that I will make another similar post, and promise that I will soon be back to my vagtastic naughtiness.

Francine Pascal's 90210

The CW is in talks to bring back Beverly Hills 90210. I would be lying if I did not admit that I am a little intrigued by this, but my over riding feeling is gross. Eonline is reporting that Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas is working on this project, and that it is a retelling not a recreation. While I loved Logan and Neptune, I'm still on the fence about this one. Logan was very cute.

There have also been rumors that Francine Pascal would bring back the Sweet Valley twins. In theory, the twins (and all of their friends from high school) would be living together in some sort of weird, OC style gated community. Hopefully, this project has stalled. It's only a good idea for the first five minutes.

And in research news, researchers in the U.K. surveyed 66,000 men and found that the majority of them prefer women with blond hair and blue eyes. They also prefer that she be less the 6 feet tall and make between $30,000 and $60,000 a year. Shocking. I bet they also like women with nice breasts.

Thanks.

Math

One in four teenage girls have a sexually transmitted disease.

Teenagers are defined as people between the ages of 13 and 19.

One in two people are women (margin of error = close enough)

Most people have sex by the end of their freshmen year in college, or by the time they turn 19.

Is this really news? Scare-tactics aside, parents you should give your daughters the new vaccine. Yes, it is uncomfortable for you; but, it doesn't need to be for them. Do you show your children pictures of iron lungs and discuss the symptoms of measles? Just tell them it's a cancer shot, or don't tell them anything at all. If the CDC strongly recommends that we vaccinate, I think that we should probably comply. Cancer sucks.

Apparently I Missed the Memo

I'm having one of those days. I stayed up way too late watching WE tv's Women Behind Bars - a new and sad episode featuring a 35 year old woman who was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison for killing her father (who sexually and physically abused her for 10 years). She shot him when she was 18. While obviously a victim of battered women's syndrome - her trial judge refused to allow the jury to consider self defense. Her clemency appeal is still (and perhaps forever) waiting for the governor of Missouri.

After the episode I caught a commercial for WE's new show Bulging Brides. A bootcamp style reality show that tortures perfectly beautiful women with harsh trainers and the impending doom of making it to their "final dress fitting". Puke. Let's all agree to not watch this crappy show. And ladies, just buy some spanx and get over yourself. Your wedding is only ONE day of your life. Here's a crazy idea - why don't you spend the months before your wedding working on your relationship? Marriage is hard, at any size. Give up the brideorexia and focus on something a little more important. And if you really are having body and self esteem issues, maybe you aren't ready to get married.

Add to that my lamentable decision to watch "Dr." Laura's inane and ignorant today show comments - apparently, women are to blame for their husbands cheating, and you can see why I'm a little off.

Oh and I just realized that my underwear is backwards. Isn't the back part supposed to be bigger then the front? Apparently I missed the memo.

P.S. Yes, I know what a thong is; but I am referring to boy short underwear.

Best Cover Ever?

I'm trying to think of exactly the right phrase.



Originally posted on the Misadventures of Super Librarian.

Yeah, very funny

From the Science Creative Quarterly, check out my favorite winning project from the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair.

2nd Place: “Women Were Designed For Homemaking”
Jonathan Goode (grade seven) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Everyone involved here sucks. Sorry kids.

University News

University of Illinois Urbana Champaign Health Information Portal. University library subject page.

"Hunting for health information on the Web isn’t always good for your health. Understanding the potholes and other problems, librarians at the University of Illinois have built a site that will allow users to bypass most Web-related symptoms: a single route to the best, most up-to-date health news available online. The new Health Information Portal brings together health information from many disciplines and sources, making them available in one convenient, easy-to-access place."

An Open Letter to Charlotte Allen and the WaPo

Dear Ms. Allen,
I see that you have been racked over the coals today for your column. Let me offer you a few suggestions.

First let me say that OMG you are like so totally right on. Women getting excited about things and expressing themselves freely is like so totally wrong. I mean seriously, we should be training women to only behave in certain ways - to always monitor what they say, to never express joy and (of course) to be quiet, pleasant and contrite. Do you think you could help us get state and federal funding for this? Maybe instead of high school (what a waste for our little brains) - all girls could go to finishing school!

When you wrote "Women 'are only children of a larger growth,' wrote the 18th-century Earl of Chesterfield. Could he have been right?" - I'm assuming that you were referring to yourself. Perhaps you are merely a child of larger growth, could this explain your lack of education regarding history and European views of women in the 18th century? You may want to reconsider your source material.

Thank you so much for bashing books, tv shows and movies about happiness, romance, feelings, spirituality and love! You are so right. Why would any person want these things in their life? I guess those founding fathers were way off the mark when they mentioned life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Silly girly men. They should have aspired to better things like harsh reality, forceful conquests and self loathing depression. Best not to read for enjoyment or enjoy ourselves. In fact, if we keep reading we'll only get - gasp - smarter. We certainly don't want to condone the education of women.

"I am perfectly willing to admit that I myself am a classic case of female mental deficiencies" - clearly you are mentally deficient, but I don't think it has anything to do with your gender.

And finally, thank you for ending with this gem: "Then we could shriek and swoon and gossip and read chick lit to our hearts' content and not mind the fact that way down deep, we are . . . kind of dim." - While I'm sure you are right, could you please explain the causal link between being dim and reading chick lit. Perhaps, you could site some research that supports this statement. Oh I'm sorry, did I confuse you with my big words? Maybe you should ask one of your male colleagues to explain it to you.

Best of luck in your future endeavors. I'm sure that I will never hear from you again, as by now you have probably taken your own advice and retired to rest your poor, dim brain

Regards,
The Naughty Librarian, M.A., M.S.

P.S. Isn't it amazing that by the age of 27 my little brain could manage to earn both a Masters of Arts and a Masters of Science. I guess I better quit while I'm ahead. In fact, I think I'm due to start breeding in another couple of years - if only I could do the math and figure out when?!

P.P.S. I am a librarian and researcher. Not only do I read professionally (and teach others how to do it) - I often suggest sources and materials to others. Until the Washington Post issues a real and formal apology, I will be boycotting their publication. Ms. Allen's column is not tongue and cheek, but this blog post is - see the difference?

Come on ...

Did anyone else catch all the feminist broo ha ha over on the Huffington Post? Essentially, several people (including the author herself), are up in arms over Lori Gottlieb's article in the new issue of Atlantic . In her piece, Gottlieb suggests that women in their 30s might want to accept that there are fewer options (fewer still as you age) and that some people might want to look into the possibility of creating a marriage based on partnership and cooperation - because love and passion fade over time. Peaceful unions in which to raise your children may be the easiest alternative. Respondents remarked that Gottlieb's stance was out dated and insulting. I'm not siding with either.

Here's a different thought - why not accept that everyone is writing from their own perspective. And here's a third. Some people marry for love and enjoy happy, passionate childless unions. We're not bad or selfish people. Like you, we've chosen our own lifestyle.

In the same vein, Rabbi Shmuley penned a lovely piece on female clothing, chastity and modesty. Dear Rabbi, let's agree to agree and disagree. I agree that clothing for girls under the age of 14 should be modest, cute and comfortable. I also think that teenage girls should have more freedom to dress as they please; and finally, young women (females over the age of 18) should be able to dress however they like. Oh, and however you like, means just that. And Rabbi, I don't think it's appropriate for a male to tell women outside of those who seek his counsel, how to dress.

I Promise to Never

Esquire recently ran an article detailing all of the things that dudes should never do in front of their girlfriends. While I wasn't bothered by any of the things on the list, I was inspired by Jezebel's follow up piece entitled "the one thing besides take a dump you should never do in front of dudes".

Without further ado, here is my List of Activities Best Kept Private, subtitled: Why I Have a Happy Marriage.

1. Anything related to Aunt Flo. Purchasing tampons together is fine, inserting and removing them, not so much.
2. Watching soap operas and Lifetime movies. Give the man a break, it's good enough that he sits and listens to me talk about them for hours on end.
3. Eyebrow plucking/facial grooming. Nothing inherently wrong here, I just like a little private time.
4. Closet Cleaning - It's not like he's really going to tell you whether or not your favorite shirt is too small, stained or unflattering.
5. Flossing.
6. Nail clipping/filing.
7. Most things involving a Q-tip.
8. Voting.

Penises are the New Black

Apparently, vaginas are the new black. Who knew? I would be happier about this article if it didn't seem, well, more then a little condescending.

I don't see why this is offensive.


Maybe I'm a bad feminist, but I think it's cute. I really didn't notice that her vagina was "at the center of the bullseye" - which, I guess, implies that people will target her vagina and that this - somehow - is objectifying and/or implies the commodification of her genitals. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE - get a grip. Women have vaginas and when they lay spread eagle you can see them. I think the real travesty here, and the truly offensive part, is that we are so bothered by the sight of a vagina that we have to write these types of articles. Can you site a single article titled - Penis are the New Black? or Penis Savvy Ad Campaigns are Degrading to Men? Let's face reality, until we stop obsessing about vaginas - or start equally obsessing about penises - we are hurting the cause for equality.

So let's all take a moment and reflect on a few realities. Vaginas are funny. Penises are funny. Penises and vaginas together, hilarious. It's all sensational, we get it so - To my fellow feminists, I beg of you, let's be done with this. Yes, I think it's total crap that cunt is one of the FCC's seven FORBIDDEN words, but I also think it sucks that some people think the term va-jay-jay is empowering (damn you Oprah). I like vaginas, and I bet you like them too. So let's celebrate the popularity of vaginas and instead of being offended by their pop culture prominence, take this as an opportunity to promote and discuss sexual health and gender equality. You catch more bees with honey - and honey, trust me, vaginas are here to stay.

Wii Love you, Wii Really Really Do

Last night I cleared the DVR in preparation for Vagtastic Valentine's Movies. In the mood for a Barbara Michaels adaptation? Enjoy watching brides gone wild? Need to relieve the angst of your first teen crush? This is so the weekend for you. Yeah, weird digital cable package! I am taping My Boyfriend is Back, Masterpiece Theatre's Pride and Prejudice and How I Married My High School Crush. I would watch another one, but Just One of the Guys is free on our DVR this month so I really must prioritize.

I heart Geeks.


And apparently, some geeks heart vag.


(It makes a V. That's the joke.)

Happy last day of my work week. I'm out for valentine's day mini-break holiday. I will be eating chocolate, watching television, making valentines and playing with my new hot pink phone.

It's almost Valentine's Day

Happy President Lincoln's day!

Review: J.D. Warren. Bedlam, Bath and Beyond.
This book succeeds as a richly detailed and spunky paranormal type romance. She employs a novel construct and brings her mythical people and hot, immortal lover cleverly to life. The female lead is fun and assertive; the male lead is dark and brooding. Naughty level: 4. One and a half steamy sex scenes, but nicely grabby.

Bedlam is reminiscent of Elsewhere. An excellent alternative YA dystopia. You can read more about Elsewhere then you ever wanted to know here. Or you could just read it. It's an ALA notable children's book.

We went to see Fool's Gold over the weekend, aka the number one movie in America. Don't let the internet sway you; it's a perfectly fine romantic comedy. Here's the set-up: hot people, ship, treasure. Treasure! It's not the Coen brothers, but it is enjoyable, warm and fun. Plus it takes place in Key West, Florida and includes a very nice boat. Mathew McConaughey shirt count: two dry, one wet. Kate Hudson Goldie Hawn moment count: about 100.

Oh Logan. Oh!

Thursday on General Hospital (GH), Logan acted like a totally possessive douche bag with LuLu. He pushed her too far forcing her to run to Johnny. Sorry Logan, apparently you are a moron. Don't you know that soap opera girls only like boys who are brooding and sexy. Johnny is now "meant" for LuLu. After months of waiting (literally months) we will finally get to see some sort of exciting couple's climax. Sweet. Go Johnny go! At minimum, LuLu and Johnny need to start kissing more. I mean seriously - look at her, she is way cute. Kissing is hot.

Kiss. Kiss!


My super secret crush on Veronica Mars continues. I am now adding Logan to my list of favorite dreamy characters. Logan and Veronica together, nice. Kristin Bell does a great Clint Eastwood impersonation, and she's hot. What more could a boy want? I am a moron for not watching this show while it was on.

Go Logan. Go!

Planned Community

When in my twenties is too early to want to live in a planned community? I think Palm Beach and Key West look dreamy. I want shared grounds, beach and nice walking trails. I do not want smelly, shared togetherness.

Obsession of the moment: online soap opera fan communities. People write all day long; post videos and images; and create special spoiler and fan message boards. It's all very humorous until you are trapped in a crush with a new character on your soap opera. Suddenly, you are on the site - sometimes for hours. It is embarrassing but you don't care.

Because Johnny is so dreamy and you love LuLu too. Even if she is stupid for falling in love with a mobster. Lulu loves Johnny, but Johnny is pushing LuLu away. Logan is also in love with LuLu, but he is mean and stupid. Johnny doesn't trust Logan. He will soon save LuLu from an overly aggressive Logan by kicking his butt!

Very Nice.



Oh, Yeah.

I Heart Valentines

My hubby was sick last night, poor hubby. To pass the time, I made Valentines:



I also finished Sophia Kinsella's Undomestic Goddess. It was a little uncomfortable but ultimately sweet. Young hardworking girl learns life lesson and falls in love. Naughty Level: 3, primarily off stage.

Katie MacAlister's Sex, Lies and Vampires was disappointing. I shouldn't have read it immediately following the Aisling Grey novels (love, love, love). It was pretty funny. Sexy vampire included. Naughty Level: 5-6.

Super Tuesday

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday. It would be super if you voted. I would tell you who I'm voting for, but it's none of your business.

My husband and I don't tell each other who we vote for, sometimes this bothers me, but most the time I think it's a good thing. Voting, like going to the bathroom, should be a private matter.

Hallmark Hall of Fame

Romance Review: T.V. Movie, Hallmark

New Hallmark Romance: The Good Witch

Imagine if some producer really liked witches, but only good witches. So they watched Practical Magic and The Crucible, and then they read Bell, Book and Candle and Hansel and Gretel. Then they combined them together to make a watered downed romance staring a witch who, no matter what, is good. Throw in a widowed cop, two young and troubled kids, small town America, and a witch hunt and that about sums it up. In short, not great but definitely to formula. I only fast forwarded through about 45 minutes.

Oh, and the leader character's name is Cassandra Nightingale.

She's a good witch. See.

Trapped in a Closet

Romance/Hip Hop Opera Review:

R. Kelly's Trapped in a Closet: Chapters 1-22 is one of the most hilariously perfect melodramatic pieces of performance ever. I'm just going to assume that this was intentional. If you haven't seen it, you are lame and should probably just go ahead and see it. Allow me to outline the opening sequences:

Sylvester - married to Veronica, being with his wifes's best friend, is trapped in a closet when his wife's best friend's husband arrives home. He is a preacher.

The preacher man walks in and eventually discovers Sylvester, everyone goes crazy, Sylvester pulls out his gun, nervous tension, they all decide no one is going to get shot, the preacher calls his boyfriend - because he's not the only one who's going to get his heart broken today. The boyfriend enters, things get crazier. Sylvester decides to call his wife. A dude answers the phone. Sylvester loses it and jumps in his car. He's speeding home and gets pulled over.

He gets home. His wife is in the shower. He's suspicious, but he decides to be with her. They are together. They do it for awhile, things are getting good but wait what is this? It's something on Sylvester's bed. Where did it come from? He goes crazy again.

They're yelling. The cop who gave Sylvester the speeding ticket runs in. It gets real again. See Sylvester's wife followed him to the club, saw him leave with some girl(her best friend was wearing a wig, so she did not recognize her), she got angry and decided to take the cop (who just happened to be there) home. Everyone is yelling, guns are pulled, the wife's brother (Twan) walks in and gets shot. Everyone freaks, but wait - Twan is fine, he's tough and it was just a flesh wound. Twan just got out of prison and he doesn't want to call the cops.

Things get progressively worse and better from here.

Hugger Monkeys

Last week my husband brought home two adorable stuffed monkeys. One is pink, the other is red and they have their arms wrapped around each other. I named them hugger monkeys. Little did he know that this act of kindness would bring about his demise. Here is a verbatim transcript of last night's conversation.

me: Oh no! Someone killed pink monkey
him: What?
me: She has a hole in her throat
him: I can fix it
me: No you can't, she had her throat slit, no one lives thru that
him: I'll sew it shut
me: You can't sew
him: I can sew
me: Then why do I have to sew all of your buttons on
him: Like I want to sew

OHHH! He is so gonna get it ...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

In a recent post, Entertainment Weekly blogger Mandi Bierly asked her readers to confess their most embarrassing entertainment purchases. Things you purchase in secret, hide away, and when and if they are discovered - you create a fanciful lie about - i.e. oh my crazy aunt Betty bought that for my 12th birthday. Well I'm going to do Ms. Bierly one better and detail for you, my friends, the most embarrassing things I own.

1. The special edition, two disc DVD of Scarlett - the 1994 miniseries/sequel to Gone With the Wind starring Joanne Whalley and Timothy Dalton as "Mr Rhett Butler". I have watched this at least 20 times.

2. Four season's of Reba. Yeah there's really no excuse for this one. I am lame.

3. One pair of those super industrial granny panties. I bought them to go under a fancy dress. Unfortunately, during a recent bout of laziness I was forced to wear them to work. I was so ungodly uncomfortable that I walked to the University bookstore and contemplated spending $14.95 on a single pair of cotton undies with the word Illini printed across the ass. In the end, I decided that this was just too much for disposable underwear and toughed it out. I reasoned that all day pain was my punishment for not doing the laundry.

4. The Lifetime movies Fifteen and Pregnant and She's Too Young. Apparently I have a thing for knocked up teens with STDs.

5. About 20 stuffed animals. Yes, I am well past the appropriate age for such a large collection, but I just can't seem to pass up all the super cute stuffed penguinos.

6. Ridiculously expensive face and eye cream. At 27 I shouldn't be spending hundreds of dollars on anti-aging projects, but alas, my vanity wins out.

7. Eight Dave Matthews Band cds. What the hell was I thinking? The violin, the whiny voice, the undercurrent of stinky frat boys. I am truly, truly ashamed of myself. Thankfully my hippie wannabe college days have passed. Unfortunately, I still know all the words to every song.

So now you know. I'll completely understand if we can no longer be friends.

Self Cultivation

I hate the Oprah Winfrey Show, yet I feel compelled to tune in every once in awhile. As contradictory as it may seem, watching Oprah helps me feel connected to women and women's issues. I accept that Oprah Winfrey is an important role model for many people, and I applaud her efforts to help and encourage her fans. But sometimes, she just goes to far. Last week Oprah and guest star, Dr. Christiane Northrup, discussed female masturbation, aka female cultivation

Joan Z. Shore has an amusing blog on this very episode. So I'll merely add my two cents to her excellent summary. What the heck is wrong with these women? I get that this is an uncomfortable topic, but come on. Do you really think that you are encouraging women's self discovery by forcing them to define their personal activities as some sort of self enlightened act of cultivation? Let's get technical, cultivation is defined as the process of fostering the growth of something. So ladies, what are you growing? Let me be sure to to enlighten you - until you learn to call sex sex, vaginas vaginas and masturbation masturbation, you are not sexually aware. Your clever euphemism clearly indicates your inability to come to terms with your sexuality.

So let's drop the pretense. I am all for diagrams and directions. Bring on the videos and photo array. Let's face facts, women who are frightened of this word need to get a grip. Stop it. Seriously. Gross.

Oprah's Va Jay-Jay

27 Queen Size Dresses

What a vagina weekend. No, sillies I'm not talking about my c u next tuesday - I am referring to the insane number of female cliches I engaged in over the past four days. Friday started out with a bang, no work for me - I was suffering from a migraine, which I believe is the modern day equivalent of the vapors.

On Saturday he took me to see 27 Dresses. A solid B+ romantic comedy. Katherine Heigel is adorable, even with her "mousy" brown hair. Dear Hollywood, Katherine Heigel is hot. No matter what. A simple dye job is not going to convince me that she is meek and shy and un-date-able. But whatever, why complain about a movie with boys and kissing and multiple wedding montages.

The rest of vagina fest included: Lifetime's new movie Queen Sized, an aptly named after school special featuring an overweight underdog who - gasp - gets to be - gasp - HOMECOMING QUEEN!!! OMG!!! Two episodes of Dr. Phil, two episodes of Oprah, one vampire romance novel and a home baked cake - complete with pink icing and heart shaped sprinkles.

In other news, today's hilarity brought to you by the word merkin, aka a vagina wig. Could someone please explain to me why vaginas need wigs?

While the Husband's Away

He is away for work, and instead of lying around the house pouting and crying, I have decided to amuse myself with the following:

1. Totino's party pizza - totally disgusting, completely fabulous and something "we" would never eat for dinner.

2. The first two episodes of the new season of the L-word. Total guilty pleasure. On a related note, they've started airing new episodes of Ghost Whisperer. Jennifer Love Hewitt is very nicely endowed?

3. Rereading select passages of the Aisling Grey Guardian paranormal fiction series. I finished it on Friday and love it so much I want to read it again. There's something very sexy about the idea of a mate, and - don't tell anyone this - I secretly love possessive males, especially when they are bodice ripping.

In other news, today is the 50th anniversary of the Smurfs. Does that mean Smurfette's little sister is finally ready to take one for the team?

Her name is Sassette.

I guess that means she's sassy.



Yeah.

Will you be my Alli?

In the fall, Glaxo Smith Kline released their new and revolutionary diet drug Alli. As Stephen Colbert so wisely pointed out, side effects of Alli may include anal leakage and oily discharge. Being the negative Nelly that I so often am, I presumed these side effects would hinder sales of Alli.

How wrong I was. Alli is so popular that they have now released the Alli diet companion cookbook. So please drop me a line if you are enjoying the effects of Alli. I would love to know why. Personally, I am not willing to risk anal leakage (or dripping or exploding - but that is beside the point). I truly want to know if constant fear over fat calories = poopy pants is better then say, just eating fruits and veggies.

When the Devil Knows You're Dead

I'm the first to admit that I'm a Pollyanna. And this movie was the perfect example of why. It is searing and smart and at the end of it you'll feel like pitching yourself off of a building (perhaps only momentarily). Which at times I like, but I would much rather not feel like that.

Lest you think that I bash all things chicklit. Let me say that I am in love with Charlotte York. Love, love, love and want to be Charlotte for the following reasons. She's nice and sweet and believes in love. She wants a fairy tale ending. She tries to be happy and have nice happy things around her.

Happy is better, no?




Oh and I am seriously, ridiculously excited for the new Sex and the City Movie. Seriously. May 30, 2008.

Whatever Happened to Chicklit

I hate to be one of those women who criticizes chicklit BUT I am no longer interested in the following:

Women who work for PR or advertising companies. Blah Blah Blah. I get it.

Women who live in New York or London, and feel that there is no better and simultaneously worse city to live in then New York or London.

Women who are confused about money and men, to the extreme of spending all their money on shoes, make-up and other branded items. I don't care about your Jimmy Choos. Now, a nice pair of boots - that I can get behind.

That said I still enjoy most things by Marian Keyes.

Check out her bookshelf.

P.S. I hate that Jennifer Weiner writes about her new book, a sequel to Good in Bed, that Connie is now SEVEN POUNDS SLIMMER. Bite me.

Sweet Valley High

Because I am weird, I decided to watch the first four episodes of Sweet Valley High, the tv show. Made in 1994. I was so cool when this came out, I had advanced to Sweet Valley University. Basically, it sucks.

In light of the writers' strike, we have decided to explore the world of unwatched tv. To that end, I now totally have a crush on Veronica Mars. She's spiffy and Nancy Drewish but with vests and puffy collars.

She's hot.



Like very, very hot.

Spanking Shakespeare

Spanking Shakespeare by Jake Wizner is wonderful and filthy. Wizner perfectly captures that disgusting rupture of emotions that we imagine awkward 17 year old boys having. If you enjoyed Superbad or Accepted, if you know who Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow are, you may enjoy this book. It's melodramatic in a biting and funny way; it drags at points, but you'll still be amused.

In other news, today's hilarity brought to you by the word caucus. Go ahead, try to use it in a sentence, it's hilarious.

Did anyone else notice Chuck Norris at the Huckabee Iowa rally. Only Chuck Norris knows.

Books I can't wait to read

Along the lines of, damn it's cold and I need things to look forward to, I offer the following list of things I am waiting to read. Yeah summer.

Mary Janice Davidson's Undead and Unworthy(July, 2008).

Julie Kenner's next, demon hunting soccer mom book, Deja Demon(July, 2008).


www.juliekenner.com

Author I used to wait for, Jane Green. The Other Woman, Mr. Maybe and Jemima J were all very good. But Swapping Lives and Bookends, not so much. Boo. Hoo.

Meg Cabot

Meg Cabot's blog is incredibly charming. I have read 2-4 of her Princess Diaries books (audio), book one of the Mediator series and Jinx. I am familiar with her chick lit books but haven't read them. The Size Twelve is not Fat series is a fun mystery/chicklit genre blend, with mixed reviews. Her 1-800-Where-R-U? series is interesting in a tween action adventure, suspense way.

She also writes a Viscount type romance series, and the Avalon High series - which are historical romances. I don't know much about her All American Girl series. Her book, Pants on Fire, is a 2007 teen favorite, as picked by TeenReads.com. Pants on fire is really fun to say, btw.

She also has a new tween series coming out, Allie Finkle's Rules for Girls.

I am Legend

We went to see I am Legend. I thought it was really scary, like cover my eyes for 25 minutes scary. The people I was with, not so much. Two things made it not so scary. The monsters (genetically altered humans) all looked like He Who Must Not Be Named.

It also featured the boss lady from SiFi channel's Eureka. Allison Blake is super hot. And it includes absolute rules (i.e. vampires can not go out during the day or they die, no matter what). I enjoy this. I really only enjoy two types of dystopia. Box Car Children, book one (which pretty much counts) and How I Live Now.

Feist

I am also enjoying Feist at the momement; and soap opera compilations on youtube. Especially couple montages like Liason from General Hospital.

Today in pretty pictures.


Seriously cute.


Yeah Canada.

Katie MacAlister

I am in love with Katie MacAlister's Aisling Grey series. It is fun and very similar to Mary Janice Davidson's Undead series. She also writes a vampire series; I've readSex Lies and Vampires.

Her books are also similar to Julie Kenner's Carpe Denmon series.

The Aisling Grey Series includes: Guardians, Dragons (I know but it works), Demons, Demon Lords, Body Guards, Professional Virgins, Incubi, Sucubi, Mages, Wizards, Mentors, Oracles and Diviners. She also writes contemporary romances and I am going to try Men In Kilts.

Check out these online book shelves:
Julie Kenner
Mary Janice Davidson
Katie Macalister


www.katiemacalister.com